What is Attachment Parenting?
by Isabella Scapini-Burrell, CSW

Attachment parenting a term used by Dr. William Sears in his books on parenting is a style of parenting that focuses on the early relationship between a child and his/her caretaker. We believe that the early relationship between the child and the mother or father lays the foundations for all later relationships in that child's life. Whatever is experienced in the early years gets internalized and creates a template for later experiences in life.

In The Baby Book Sears writes about five tools that promote early attachment between a child and his/her caretaker and they are:
"(1) Connect with your baby early (2) Read and respond to your baby's cues (3) Breastfeed your baby (Successful attachment also gets established in situations where breastfeeding is not possible but the parents are conscious and capable of tuning into their child)* (4) Wear your baby and (5) Share sleep with your baby." (Sears, 1993, p.5).

Attachment parenting is based on the belief that babies and children are resourceful intelligent creatures who ask for what they need and are dependent on their caretakers to get their needs met. Here the role of the parent is to get to know his/her child; tune into this individual's needs and meet those needs. In this style of parenting the dependence of the child is both acknowledged and respected as a necessary developmental need that, if met successfully, will provide strong foundations for the development of a cohesive and secure sense of self. This individual will, as an adult, be just as responsive to his/her internal needs as to the needs of the people she is connected to.

The beauty about this parenting style is that it acknowledges also the mutual regulation that exists between a parent and a child. The baby cries and lets mom know he is hungry. Mom puts the baby to the breast, the baby calms down; the baby internalizes that mom can help him regulate his hunger and his anxiety, and on the other hand mom feels that she is capable of soothing her child. Baby falls asleep after a good feed; mom relaxes and is more confident about her ability to provide. This is how it starts. Later on the child may need help in verbalizing a difficult school or peer experience and the mother will need to tune into his feelings, be able to read his body posture, and will need to help him process what is disturbing him. The mother can do this if she knows her child, if she has had the successful experience of staying connected to her child and understanding her child's temperament and needs. And on the other hand the child will be able to talk to her mother if he has had the experience that "mom knows me".

Dr. Sears writes that attachment or bonding between a child and his caretakers is not like "crazy glue" does not occur instantantly, but rather it is a process that develops overtime. The quality of such process is informed by the particular attributes of the infant/caretaker dyad.

The child/parent relationship has the potential to promote growth in both the parent and the child. Children ask for what they need, parents provide to the extent that they can, and in the process children grow to the extent their needs are or are not met. And parents, if they are honest with themselves and with their own needs, also have the opportunity to grow and expand as human beings.

The challenge of attachment parenting is how a parent can be fully responsive to his or her child, and at the same time be responsive to his or her own needs. Ironically, ultimately this is the challenge of all relationships. It is the art of knowing oneself, one's limitation, being honest about what one has to give and being open to change and be transformed by being in relationship with the other.

* Italics mine.

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Therese Bimka is a clinical social worker in private practice since 1995. Ms.Bimka has worked in agency settings in various supervisory capacities including program design and development for children, adolescents and parents. Ms. Bimka is one of the founders of Frontiers In Psychotherapy.tv, a cable tv show dedicated to consumer education and professional development. As a clinician, Ms Bimka integrates psychodynamic verbal therapy with diverse experiential and expressive modalities like Jungian Sandplay and Art Therapy, Guided Visualizations and Gestalt, creating a unique approach that is engaging, interactive and individualized. For more information, please visit WWW.THERESEBIMKA.COM

Isabella Scapini-Burrell worked in hospitals, day treatment centers, outpatient clinics and community centers as a clinical social worker and as a dance/movement therapist, working with a variety of client populations and psychological disorders, before going into private practice.  In the work and training not only has she accrued clinical knowledge, but most importantly has acquired human knowledge. Over the years she has felt more and more in awe at people's ability to adapt and change and has developed great respect for people's inner knowing. WWW.ISABELLASCAPINIBURRELL.COM

"Being in touch with your needs is the most powerful way to be in touch with where your inner intelligence is heading at any given moment. This attentiveness makes you a conscious person, someone who is evolving along lines no one else will exactly duplicate, not even the greatest of masters".
Deepak Chopra (1994), Journey into Healing, New York: Random House